Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
