I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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