You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
