I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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