I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
