i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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