Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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