At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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