We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
