Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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