I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
