Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
