My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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