If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
