Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
