Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We have so much sex to catch up on
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
