Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
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