take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
