You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
