Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
