I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
