Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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