I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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