I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
