He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
