saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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