In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
