If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
