I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
