i need an iv and a liver transplant
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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