He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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