So drunk its hurt
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
