ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
