I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
