I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
