How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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