You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
