I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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