I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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