My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
