One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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