Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
