you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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