Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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