Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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