I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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