I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dick very happy bro
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
