good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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