just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
