I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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