It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
