So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
