a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
