hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
