please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
