One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
