Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
