Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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